Pulling back the Curtain

Fives months ago, I packed up my things, and drove myself to Gainesville, Georgia to be a part of this program called CGA. Similar to the World Race, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t tell you our curriculum, lesson plan or class schedule or precisely what a “leadership / discipleship school” was, but I knew it was where I needed to be. I walked into our classroom with absolutely zero knowledge or expectation of what was to come.

Living in Gainesville and attending CGA the past five months has been remarkably growing and challenging for me. Overall, it’s been a hard, and wonderfully imperfect walk into self-awareness. Through consistent reality checks and the exploration of myself and my motives, and the guidance of CGA and my community,  I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of self-awareness. Everyday feels like another lesson of letting go of my pride in independence, and admitting that I can’t do it all on my own.

This walk has been exposing, embarrassing, vulnerable, painful, beautiful and absolutely freeing. Until I learned to lower my walls, and let people see my shame, I couldn’t let go of the death grip I had on my independence (still working on that). I disguised shame as a high value on self-sufficiency, whereas deep down, I was simply terrified of what people would see if they pulled back the curtain. Now, I recognize the humility it takes to see and be seen, with all my prideful, self-seeking intentions, and choose to walk in the Spirit. Failure is inevitable and repentance is necessary yet, it’s the difference between serving yourself, or serving the Lord. It’s when we are honest, and look at ourselves in the exposing light of Christ that we not only see our unappealing truths, but our worthiness as well.

We must see past the facade, acquaint ourselves with the truth, and continue to call ourselves worthy. It starts with becoming aware of what you are bringing to the table. Are you hiding? Why? What biases or life experience are you seeing the world through? Is it accurate or deceptive? Are you shutting down because your uncomfortable? Why are you uncomfortable? What are you responsible for here, and what boundaries need to be drawn? Why is conflict scary? Why is silence awkward? What is really going on here? It’s important to poke and prod at reality, and recognize what’s going on inside your head. Although, if we stop there, we negate the whole point of the cross.

I’ve learned that I have authority over the voice inside my head that shames, condemns, discourages and divides. I have the confidence to call in a liar, and inject the gospel back into my life. Failure teaches, not preaches; meaning it doesn’t have to define you.

There are decisions and mistakes I’ve made that don’t reflect my character. There are thoughts in my head that are not WHO I am. I can either choose to walk in light and be transformed, or I can uphold the name my failures condemn me as. You are not two separate personalities; one good, one bad. You are one, whole integrated person with the Father, and there’s a process of learning to live like it. It’s about having the foundation of your worth.

For me, I was worthy when people told me I was. I performed as a friend, daughter, athlete and student in order to be good enough. I let my self esteem sit in the hands of the people in my life. Except at the end of the day, I continued to wonder what I had to offer the world. Coming to grips with this lie was HARD and acknowledging the fact that I let it have control was hurtful. Nevertheless, the Father walked me like a child through my pain. I gained the ability to discern it as a lie, and see where it took root in my life. I saw times when I rejected love, opportunities or truth because along the way, I had decided I wasn’t worth it. I took a step back and let forgiveness and compassion overflow for the parts of me that didn’t know any better.

Knowing your worth is the overflow and outpour of our daily presence in the throneroom, to which we enter with the confidence of our invitation to be there. He intentionally chose you and gave you a place at His table. That means that your junk is important because your humanity is worth the son of God’s life. We are not worthy in our sins, but through Jesus and the gospel, we are… I knew this to be true, but I never lived as if it were.

CGA has been a stepping stone in understanding worth, identity and my relationships. It’s helped me move beyond myself, and look at the world with a lens of grace and compassion. I am extremely grateful for this program, organization and my people that have loved, pushed and grown alongside me.